wow, it's been a while since i've been here. and even longer since i've talked to most of you! which is sad because i miss you...
so the semester is almost over, and i think i'm doing really well. except in math of corse. i took 5 classes this semester and i surprised myself with how i've been handeling it. :)   if i keep this up i'll only be here for another year and a half :) 
I'm soooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!! next tuesday I get to FINALLY see Darren :) he's doing an acoustic thing down town. it's a really small venue so i'm hoping i get to meet him!!! AHHHHH!!!!!  XD 
i've been having relationship issues the past 6 months, along the lines of that everyone has been busy but me but i dealt with it okay. one day i even bumped into a girl i went to grade school & high school. i haven't seen her since graduation. we got to talking and she said she "knew someoine"
sure enough a few weeks later, i found myself on a blind date, mini golfing :O  blah!  surprisingly, my date was perfectly fine with my lack of skills. we sat alone together later on and talked for like 3 hours in his car. i was told he was shy and my friend was surprised he talked to me that much.
Well, that was over a month ago, and i have been seeing Adam every weekend since :) 
I never thought love could feel this good, safe, calm, amazing.
                                          :)
Well, Christmas is coming, blah, and all the songs are playing and lights are shining and guess what? I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!
Take that world!!!!!!

 

Ever get the feeling that your life just isn’t “good enough”? like, theres so much you should have done by now and you haven’t. like everyone around you has completed these things and then some? That’s how I’ve been feeling.

Granted, I’ve been busy with a bunch of other stuff that’s pretty much taken up all of my time and effort. But still, I’m soon to be 21 years old, and what do I have to show for it? Outwardly, I mean. Inwardly I have this day to show for it, I’m still here and that’s good enough for me. But what do other people see? Not that.

I just wish I could have accomplished something great or at least be on my way to doing it. *sigh*

 
Darren's new cd is out, and let me say it is amazing. different then his other stuff, but thats good, its not stale.

i'm supposed to go down town for my birthday. i dont even know why i said i wanted to do that when i was asked. but then again, there are limited options. no place or people for a party, everyone knows i cant go out and drink. which does kinda suck, by the way, my 21st fucking birthday and i can't even go out and get drunk. i'm just pissy today

this post is getting long so i'll leave it on a happy note;
i keep having strange dreams about the Philly Phanatic and walking around naked. don't worry, they were 2 entirely seperate segments of the dream. i gotta look them up in the good book....

PS Katie, I wanna come bug u soon, let me know when is good

How many times do i have to tell pwople that just because i'm not in the best of moods it doesnt mean i need to be asked 10 million questions about whats making me feel some way   especially when there IS NO REASON!!!!!!! well, PMS is a reason, but appaerntly not a very good one. my wonderful brother came home and asked me ten million questions when i was trying to do something and he didnt understand why i was annoyed at him. i wonder if they know how horrible i feel after they tell me i shouldnt "Snap" at him. i know damn well what iu shoulkd and shouldnt do. grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!
horray fpr PMS!!!!!!!!!

i've been feeling emotionally restless the past few days. it's probably just me being bratty. but i think everyone's entitled to get a little bratty sometimes because life really isn't fair and it's stupid to pretend that it is. i just feel like i'm walking all alone down a dark and smelly allyway. people are around for me, i know. but inside i feel so alone because its hard for people to understand. i wasn't feeling too good the other day, so i told my dad and he couldn't understad it. he did try to make me feel better, but he doesnt know what to do. noone seems to. just because i'm not crying uncontrollably or bleeding all over the goddamn floor doesn't mean i'm fine inside. yes, things are alot better then how they were, but now there is are a bunch of new challenges to face. like how the only way i know to get attention from anyone is to self destruct. then everyone will come running. knowing that, the urge to do so is so strong sometimes that all i can do is wait for it to pass... and hope that it does.

i wonder how much of my life i've wasted being this way and trying to keep my head above water. but then again, everyone wastes their life one something. take my brother for example. sports are his life. sports. all and all they are pointless, yet they mean the world to him. maybe if i was that stupid i could get sucked into some meaningless hobby.

i think i'll stick to sleeping....

i went to the zoo today and the animals weren't just sitting there, most of them were active and there wasn't a bazillion people there which made it better.
my GOD i feel like i'm in baghadad with all the goddamn firecrackers going off. people are stupid.

last thursday, as i walked to the El from my house, an SUV apparently failed to see me and so i took a trip to the ER horay!! i was more scared than anything, i thought my leg was broken because of the angle it was at. after a million x-rays, and some painful poking and proding, the dr discharged me, saying i was very lucky and just badly bruised.
you know, i'm not mad at the guy, he stopped and was very concerned, he wanted to go to the hospital with me, but they told him to wait for the cops that never came. because philadelphia is stupid and hires idiots, the call never went thru right, so i never saw a cop or got his info or anything. im more mad at that than the guy, accidents happen and i'm alright, i just hope those idiots don't put out the wrong call for someone who really needs it.
they probably will anyway...

typing things up at work have gotten me thinking. these things have to do with bussiness people and how to get ahead and all. basically whats right and wrong in the corporate world. and its sick. it makes me very sad to know that there are people out there willing to do anything for the all mighty dollar. they are willing to put on a mask 24/7 and kiss up to people who don't deserve it. how the hell has it come to this? how have we become a world where people really are willing to sell their soul for money? does that even make sense? you can have loads of money and worked hard kissing asses and doing stuff you don't want to do all your life. and its meaningless. it doesnt change anything. money can't make your life better, that really does start from the inside. sure it can buy you a new yacht or house or something, but it can't buy a new you. 
i don't claim to know everything, but this i do know, money is stupid and evil.  only because we made it that way.....

life's been rolling along pretty smoothly lately. no real problems. 
why is the summer filled with so many family functions? like last saturday was my cousins 21st birthday party. i thought it was strange, but the whole family and a bunch of other people were invited. don't most 21 year olds want to go out and drink? i have never heard of any who had a party at home. i thought it would be worse then it actually was though. it was funny hearing my aiunt rosie get so excited over playing beer pong and ask questions about flip cup. the most interesting part of the night, by far was when i started talking about stuff i wasnt "supposed" to. 
we were talking of vacations and white water rafting and i said i'd like to do it again. Anne asked where i did it in the first place which launched me into the story of that hellish week with my dads old girlfriend. i knew anne was aware of her existance but i didnt know how much r how little she knew. i didnt bring it up to start anything, but aparently it did. my dad was ticked off at me for talking i guess. and he was saying he'd have to answer all these questions and stuff. dude, not my problem. you should have told her everything in the first place...

it wouldn't be a livejournal without a n angry rant about a family member   lol

and holy family almost screwed me over, a glitch in the computer erased my registration, so i had to do it agian and i didnt get 2 of the classes i needed.   blah

i start work tomorrow :)

wow, i havent posted in a while. not too much has been going on, really, so there hasnt been much to post. last week was nuts, i had a million things due. next week is finals, but i think i only have 1 or 2.  
i just wanted to tell the arcadia crew that i miss u guys and have been thinking of u. im sorry i didnt get to come up this semester, i really wanted to. 
nothing new really going on, except, in a couiple weeks it will be 1 year that i have been "safe" and happy. it never could have happend without u guys :)

hola, wanted u all to know i still exist, and i am enjoying my days off because of holy week(yay for catholic schools!) 
as far as this semester goes, im tottally done with it. i just want it to end. i still need to find a job for the summer, i dont know where to even look anymore.
i just argued with my dad over the news and how i feel that it tells us a whole lot of crap we dont need to know cuz it dont effect my life. i just dont see why i need to know what happend to someone i dont know and cant do anything about.... i donno...

I GOT A NEW COMPUTER!!! HORRRAYYYY!!!!!

ok, just so everyones aware, i am alive and i am fine, although i will most likely be mia for a while seeing as my computer bit the dust. everything is good though, i just wanted to let it be known.  i stil intend to visit u guys, i just need to know when its good for people... let me know...

i think im getting bored again, watch out!! i have this crazy impulse to go out, get drunk off my ass, make out with some random ass guy, jump into a little red corvette and see just how fast it can go. not while im still drunk though, crazy, not stupid lol. i feel so restless again, things are too boring, i want to go out and live my life, have fun, go to parties, meet new people, crap like that. when will it be my turn? when??

i was watching tv earlier, and ome show was on. there was a wedding and the bride was freaking out because it was "forever" and all. oh, please, what a croc that is. there is a little thing called divorce you know. i dont think people should take marriage lightly, but its not really forever either. how is anyone supposed to know what 5 or 10 years could bring? none of us have any idea. monogomy is overrated.

i should probably go to sleep, although i dont wanna lol

yesterday i got glorious news that school had been cancelled. last night i decided not to show up today either. this was based on what my teachers said before, that they will not be in if there is like a patch of ice outside. works for me. my dad let me sleep in, although he felt it wasnt too bad outside. im happy he did because i was awake till like 2:30 for no real reason.i have to pick classes pretty soon blah. thats such a pain in the ass. someone should pick them for me, lol. oh, and i figured out that i'm probably gonna be in school for another 5 semesters, wonderful news. so i'll have been in school for 5 1/2 years by that point. o well, ill live with it.

 

 

I know its been a while since my last post, so let me fill you in on whats been going on...NOTHING...
this is good and bad at the same time. my classes this semester are easy and a waste of time, ive been doing really well, no drama with family, friends, myself. and yet i find myself to be very restless. it seems when there is stuff going on, im stressed and want it to stop. but when there is nothing going on im bored and want some kind of excitement, something to think about, something to do. i think this comes from how i used to be, now i dont know how to deal with nothing, with normalcy, it just makes me bored.....

im gonna come visit and bother the AU crew soon, sorry i havent come up sooner

today i felt like shit, mostly physically but then emotionally too. my stomach is a mess, its quesy all the time no matter what i do. noone was around today at school to talk to and for some reason i really wantesd to. i did not want to take the bus home seeing as it made me feel really bad yesterday. so i was kinda hoping i might be able to get a ride. no such luck. and i took out my aggrivations on people i ashouldnt have. i was sooo pissed off, not just about thatbut about everything. i went to the cornor to wait for the bus and the feelings got stronger. first they were about things that were going on now, then it jumped to things in the past, all kinds of things too, stuff with my brother, with my dad, even my mom. it tottally came out of nowhere. i started to cry, and not just a little, tears were streaming down my face for a good 15 miniutes and i couldnt stop them! i've pretty much always been in charge of my tears. i figured id sit down and cry it all out when i got home, but whatever triggered that was gone by the time i got there. i was fine again. and i mean fine like nothing had even happend. i dont know, pretty weird...

if you remember disney afternoon from when we were younger, then u remember bonkers, u know the bobcat that was a cop and all? well, i found a site with some pictures n stuff and the theme song. that was nice to hear, but it was even better to hear it in FRENCH!!!!!!!!!!! the german one was just scary. but i had to tell someone cuz im sitting here laughing hystetrically at myself, hahahahaha, god i miss aspects of childhood.

Janelle Gordon= 4.0 GPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when the fuck did that happen??
okok, so it maynot stay that way, i only got one grade so far, but still!!! i got an A!!! ME!!!!!
HAZAH!!!!!

time for a rant...
my computer has a virus again, yippie, making it impossible to do the papers i have to do in a day.
i have tests like everyone else blah
dads trying to clean the house, i have other things to do
havnt shopped yet
its christmas and that just sucks enough on its own
theres no decorations up, im supposed to do it and i dont want to. fuck christmas this year.
and today just always sucks to begin with
while cleaning, we came across pictures of me as a kid and of my mom. horray. bad timing.

if u hadnt realzed from this rant, im dealing with alot of feelings that i hid away for a long time. i dont know why, but they came out when i saw a christmas tree te other day, all the anger, all the frusteration, all the questions, everything. its hard too deal with all at once...

did i mention its christmas time??

i've been thinking alot the past few weeks (surprise surprise lol) seeing as random memories have been poping up in my mind lately, it's hard not to. these deep memories that i havn't thought of in years have shown thier face. apperantly my mind thinks im ready to deal with these ghosts, or so i have been told.
but anyway, i wish u guys could see me now, how much better things have been. i havn''t fallen aprt for 6 months now, and i havn't indulged in my dirty little secret either, a new record :) i just thought i'd let u guys know, and im so excited i wanna tell everyone, lol. plus, i wanted to let u guys know how thankful i am for all your help, u guys really are great people.

ps, i miss u like crazy!!

let me say that if you want to keep your beliefs the way they are, maybe taking a philosophy class and religion class at the same time is not the way to do it. or maybe its just that way for people who are generally confused in the first place. if you asked me like 6 years ago if god existed and if prayer worked and about heaven and sin and ll of that stuff, i would have told you yes, and i wouldnt doubt it. now, obviously my life has changed alot since then and my veiws on the whole world are differnt. if you asked me 5 years ago the same questions i wou;d be shaky about some but i believed in god and all. now, im really confused. i've been becoming more rational and all, and god and rationality just dont seem to work together. i just needed to tell someone this stuff cuz the opeople around me wopuldnt be too open minded

that is all
hope your all doing well!!